A Year and a Month and a Half's Worth of Reflections

It just occurred to me today (the 26th of December) that I've been in transit in some way or another for the past 6 weeks. And also for the past 12 months.

Along with that realization came a bunch of different feelings:
First, I felt accomplished.
Then, I felt impressive.
Then, I felt 24.
Then, I felt excited.
And then, I felt pangs of homesickness and doubt.
These are pangs I'm familiar with.
I've gone away for a while before, I've been in new and strange places.
I know where to put that doubt.
I brought cards (the USS Enterprise is always nearby, Bridey) and pictures (that 20th birthday present is still the best I've ever gotten, Abby) to make home seem less far away;
I sporadically Skype with Grampa and he tells me jokes that come through so clearly it's like we're sitting next to each other at the diner.

And then, I felt so, so fortunate.

But somehow, I can't seem to wrap my head around this experience I'm having.
Lately, I'm not as present as I'd planned to be.
I'm not as aware as I'd hoped.
It's as if this trip, this adventure, this whatever you want to call it, is happening to me as opposed to something I've made happen.
I keep having to take a step back and remind myself that I'm the main character here, that I'm not just reading this story.

It's as if my perspective inverted as soon as I got down under.

Part of me (60%) doesn't want to make any plans.
That part wants to just let things happen as they happen, go so entirely with the flow that I become a fly on the wall of the world.
"After all, that was the original idea," that part reminds me.
"Quit the 9-5, see the world, figure it out as it you go. So, go."

But now that I'm here and going with the flow, that other part of me is starting to wonder whether it might make for a better all-around experience if I thought ahead just a bit.
"Maybe map out the year and figure out some sort of route, so that you have things to plan for and look forward to," says the other part of me.
"Maybe it's a good idea to book some things and print out some reference numbers, just for old time's sake?"

It sounds ridiculous, but all this freedom is paralyzing.
It's overwhelming.
It's like being at the beach and not having a towel.

But then, who really needs a towel?

(By which I mean, I've been so programmed for so long to have a plan that now that I don't have a plan, I don't know how to proceed. But then, who really needs a plan?)

I went with Amanda (Tom's cousin Justin's wife...phew) to her yoga class a few weeks back, and upon re-reading this post, I think I've solved all of my problems. Wait for it, this isn't a tangent.

The yoga instructor was this super chilled out, lean-not-skinny Australian surfer who philosophized and lectured as we stretched and sweated through the various poses he called out.
At first, I couldn't get into the whole thing.
I like to think I'm open minded but telling me to "put all my thoughts in a proverbial paper bag" and then to "take that bag, and physically throw it away" and then watch each of us, one at a time, literally throw out a pretend paper bag is just a bit much, even for me.
And I went to camp.

But as the class went on, the instructor made some very good points.
Most of them were about being as mindful as possible, so as to keep things in constant balance and perspective.
One of the things he said is resonating with me now:
He was telling a story about one of his students who was distressed and seemingly unable to let things go. Something about work being stressful and a divorce, you know the story.
So the instructor tells the guy first to put his issues in that paper bag.
Doesn't work. Shocker.

Then the instructor says, "You know how to make things better? It's easy. It's so simple. You just stop worrying. You just stop."

That's it. You just stop. Once you free your mind up from worrying so much, you can pay attention to what actually matters, what's actually happening, what's actually in front of you.



Recap:
Life is good.
I'm half who I am and half who I'm dying to be.
I'm looking forward to 2010.

Sunburnt Christmas

I'm back in Sydney at Tom's cousins' place and have been since last Thursday.
I've done a lot of nothing and while I feel pretty useless, I didn't realize how much I needed a lot of nothing since the dive.
Illustration: I went for a walk and after 20 minutes, I felt like I climbed Machu Picchu. Again.

That said.

I'm eager to get on the road again.
Having a comfy place to stay is amazing, but not necessarily what I came here for.
So, I'm onto Byron Bay after the new year.
[Of course, actual plans are not actually made yet]
I'm planning to Couchsurf my first two or three nights and then find a hostel to "live" at for a bit.
Though I haven't been there yet, I have a good feeling about Byron and I think I'll probably like to spend a good amount of time there.
And, since my hospital bills suck so much, I think getting a job sounds like a pretty good idea as well, so I'll be looking into that.
For a change of pace, I'll be bus-ing it there instead of flying---it's also about $100 cheaper and though it'll be a lot longer of a trip, I'm looking forward.
I love me some transcontinental road time.

It's amazing how the Real World can find you, even in Australia.

Happy Holidays/Happy New Year.

Breathing Underwater and Other Things I'm Just Not Good At

Raise your hand if you know someone traveling in Cairns who went to the Tablelands!?

(raise your hands)

And who swam in Josephine and Milla Milla Falls!?

(raise your hands)

And who snorkeled in the Great Barrier Reef!?

(raise your hands)

And who dove in the Great Barrier Reef!?

(raise your hands)

And who almost fucking drowned and spent 6 nights in an Australian hospital with an oxygen mask and sporadic nebulizer on, because her lungs were full of sea water after her mouthpiece got knocked out when she was 12 meters underwater?!

(raise your hands)

I think that pretty much sums it up.

I'm alive, but I'm definitely less chipper than I was on Monday morning.
And don't you worry, I'm going over to the diving company in about 20 minutes to pick a bone the size of my hospital bill.
And at least my diving story gets me street cred, as opposed to all those skinny German tourists who just have stupid tan lines from their wet suits to prove they went anywhere.

For details, email. Otherwise I'll post more about my next move as I know more.

And for the record: FUCK YOU, BALD DIVING INSTRUCTOR. FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR FUCKING ACCENT.


(5 hours later)


Ok. Building my bridge. Getting over it.
Getting to Sydney, to be exact.

And while that 3 night hospital stay wasn't necessarily an ideal use of my time, it did put things into perspective.
For example, I didn't have a stroke and now have to use a diaper and eat a soft diet.
I also didn't drown.

Little victories, I suppose.

Heading North and Making a Sharp Right

Updated Route on the Abby Does Australia Tour:

Sydney>>>Melbourne>>>Cairns>>>Tablelands>>>Great Barrier Reef>>>Cairns Base Hospital>>>Sydney>>>Byron Bay>>>Brisbane>>>Noosa>>>Hervey Bay>>>Fraser Island>>>Brisbane>>>Alice Springs>>>Uluru>>>Alice Springs>>>Adelaide>>>Great Ocean Road to Melbourne>>>Road trip to Sydney>>>New Zealand>>> Ummm...

...


Also got a new camera. Let the improved documentation of amazing experiences begin.

UPDATE TRAVEL ROUTE (THIS IS MORE FOR ME SO I CAN LOOK BACK AND REMEMBER HOW I GOT PLACES):

All of the above including: Sydney>>>Christchurch>>>Kaikoura>>>Picton>>>Marahau>>>Abel Tasman>>>Westport>>>Punakaiki>>>Barrytown>>> ... (updates to come)

I Love Melbourne So Much, I May Just Marry It

Currently sitting on my beautiful friend Yael's amazingly comfy couch in her gorgeously decorated apartment in fantastic East St. Kilda, Melbourne, Victoria, AUS.

Enough adjectives? I didn't think so either.

THIS IS THE BEST PLACE EVER.

I don't know how to explain how incredible this trip has become, but I'll try.

I've been feeling a bit lost for the past few weeks, both in a good, liberating way and in a way that has made me rethink this whole decision.
As is most likely natural when one takes a big step towards the rest of her/his life, one begins to wonder and worry whether or not that step was a good idea.
Well, after spending all of 4 days in Melbourne, I can confidently say that this step was indeed the best idea I've ever had.

Like I mentioned in posts past, Sydney was a very nice place to be, both in terms of my accommodations (which I'm still appreciating, and will continue to do so) and in terms of my surroundings.
But something felt amiss.
Chances are, it was me more than Sydney, but whatever the reason, things feel much more in place here than they did there, and as I have no roots whatsoever, it's a good feeling to have.

After 2 of the most hilarious and thoroughly interesting nights I've had in a while, Yael picked me up from my hostel this morning and we spent the day catching up and touring Melbourne.
The weather was gorgeous and we strolled Carlisle and Chapel Streets, found some sweet market, walked down to the beach and had an amazing meal at "Lentil As Anything" which is a non-profit vegan/vegetarian restuarant that provides food on a "pay as you wish" basis and is run by volunteers: www.lentilasanything.com
Needless to say, THAT WAS COOL.

Then we went back to Yael's apartment which is, for lack of a better word, Awesome.
I have my own room with my own huge bed and my own key.
After sharing a room with maybe the bitchiest French girl I've ever met, this improvement is immeasurable.
Yael and I had some wine and caught up and reconnected some more, which made me realize just how much I love meeting people and making friends.
[Sure, it sounds trite when you read it on a blog, but for me, one of the most important reasons to travel is to meet and learn from other people.
Something about Melbourne lends itself to that far more than Sydney did.]
Then we went to drinks with some of her friends, who were all also hilarious and interesting, and then we rented a movie* and put on sweats and noshed on fresh fruit.

This may be the best Sunday I've ever had, and I'm 24 years old.

Forgive me if this rambling is too cheesy, but as my favorite author Kurt Vonnegut's favorite uncle Alex once said, "if this isn't nice, I don't know what is."

Plans are still very much unmade for the future (ie: the next 2 weeks and beyond) but I'll keep you all posted.

Fair Dinkums

I realize I'm updating this a lot and many of you are probably wondering why I'm not out and about and/or drunk and raising hell in the wilds of Australia.

But rest assured, I'm doing all of those things.

I'm just a very, very good multi-tasker.
(Also, a very, very good multi-tasker with a budget.)

(Also also, Fair Dinkums is what Australians say instead of, "way to go!"
I speak Australian now)

I'm writing to you from Pint on Punt, my hostel in Melbourne (in St. Kilda) for the next 2 days.
So far, so great.
I've made quite a few new friends already---many of whom are cool enough to keep in touch with after my stay here.
My roommies are great and we've been spending the days together.
The rest of the hostelmates are an interesting mix of 20somethings from the UK and some hilarious Swedes.

The accommodations are dingy, but all in all, I'm happy.

And, of course, I met the Chabad rabbi of Melbourne and 3 of his sons on the train today.
Question: Who's surprised?
Answer: Nobody.

I had coffee (peppermint tea) with my friend Yael, who I met last summer in Israel, today at a cafe on Bourke Street in the CBD and also met a few of her friends.
Yael's from here (Melbourne) and is letting me stay with her for a week on Sunday.
It's amazing what a 10-day trip can result in; namely, amazing friends from all over the world; namely, Yael Furstenberg.

The rest of the day was spent meandering throughout the CBD.
I walked all along Toorak and Chapel Streets in St. Kilda beforehand and found a few cheap shops to buy some unnecessaries (t-shirts and dresses for $6, but I mean, come on)
In the CBD I found the Greek precinct and Chinatown; the former offered much better food.
I essentially ate my way from one end of the city to the other, which was a great idea.*

*There's a place called "Lord of the Fries" which I recommend to anyone visiting Melbourne, as long as they like to enjoy their life. It's a lot like Pommes Frites in the East Village of NYC, except that it's cheaper and generally just more fun.
*There's also a Greek place that has a name I don't remember that makes maybe the best kalaifa (also called birdsnests, similar to baklavah, sort of...sticky and sweet and nutty and GOOD). I found it and debated between getting a water and getting diabetes. I chose the latter.)
*I'm probably coming back home fat. I'm more than comfortable with this.

Then, on the train back from the city I met a couple of Israelis who liked my "thongs" which are also known as flip flops, because they have Israeli flags on them.

They were very Israeli in that they were close-talkers and asked me a lot of questions about my family with a lot of "iiiimmmmms" and "eh eh eh ehs," all while looking at me with piercingly gorgeous eyes, and while I was answering in vague terms that I'm not "married per se," the Chabad rabbi happened to overhear and invite me to Shabbat dinner.
I politely declined and then he gave me some licorice and said a blessing.
I don't understand what the two had to do with each other, but the licorice was good.

All in all, I like Melbourne heaps more than Sydney.
Sydney's a beautiful city with incredible views and the harbour is a pretty breathtaking place, but to be honest, Sydney on the whole feels a lot like any other big city.
There are fancy stores and pretty buildings and old* churches, just like in NYC or London or Buenos Aires.
People are generally nicely dressed and ready to spend a good amount of money to have a good time.
The streets are also entirely confusing and poorly urban planned, which I found personally offensive, since everybody knows I'm bad at navigating.

But Melbourne. Ah, Melbourne.
Melbourne is relaxed, yet refined.
Classy yet casual.
The streets are on a grid system but there are so many of them that you can still get pretty lost just by wandering, which I enjoy.
The prices are far more affordable than in Sydney (though Australia is a generally expensive place.*)
And the people are just delightful.
Really.
No sarcasm there, whatsoever.
Melbourne is the Australia I've been looking for, minus the Pittsburgh-esque weather.
But, believe it or not, I still like it. A lot.

*Old in that this country was settled like 25 minutes ago, so the churches are from the 1800 and 1900s.
*expensive like: a burger, fries and drink can run you $15, a salad the same, and a "real meal" like meat and pasta, a veggie and a drink and wine is easily $30-35.

I'm not sure how long I'll stay here, as I've only bought a one-way ticket, but I'm planning on staying for about 3 weeks or so.
New Years Eve in Sydney is (obviously) the place to be, so I'm going to try to be back for that. But we shall see. No plans, remember? Woo-hoo!
But, until then, I have nothing but time and some American green backs to spend.
Have I mentioned how great my life is? Because if not, I can elaborate...

Hope everyone's doing well, and a belated happy 30th anniversary to Marshall and Sheila Lerner, to whom I owe a big "way to go" on tying the knot. Love you guys!
Love everyone else, too.

And Away She Goes

Sydney's been cool but there's only so much fancy shopping and confusing urban planning and incredibly hospitable accommodations I can handle for a week or 2.


So.


I'm off to Melbourne with a one-way ticket.
I leave: today.
I decided: 2 days ago.


You know what's great about not having [any] responsibilities?
The answers are: endless.


Unrelatedly, you know what's great about my sister?
The answers are: also endless.


Check out her blog and understand what I mean when I say that quitting my job to travel another continent is relatively unimpressive in my family:


www.FirstWays.com


Also---yes, they do make Kangaroo steak/jerky/burgers here.


Ok, bye.

Hello from The Future

A few thoughts:

-when you're lost in Sydney, chances are, so are 4 of the 5 people you ask directions from.
-never underestimate the power of lyrical knowledge when meeting new people. This is especially true with regard to Michael Jackson.
-USA colloquialisms are novel when said by non-USA residents. This is especially true with regard to the terms "word up" and "bitch, please."
-the words "take away" are synonymous with "take out" in other parts of the world, which is confusing when ordering take out.
-Thanksgiving tastes great no matter where you are, as long as there's a sweet potato involved.
-making friends with boys who have girlfriends is a risky venture, unless said girlfriend speaks little to no English and is far away. In short, boys who have girlfriends should date girls who live far away and don't speak English.
-taking the bus in another country is not nearly as difficult as it was in Pittsburgh.
-just because it's hot outside doesn't mean I can eat ice cream for every meal. Probably.
-even if it is Christmas time, hot chocolate in 100+ degree weather just doesn't make sense.
-the best part of waking up is apple juice in your cup, to an Australian.
-everyone will know you're an American if you ask for the rest room instead of the toilet.
-everyone will also know you're American if you say "I'm good" instead of "no thanks" in response to "would you like some more [apple juice]?"
-Subway (as in the sandwich shop---yes, they're all over the Western world) smells like Subway no matter where you are, which when you think about it, isn't as comforting as you'd hope, since Subway should smell like the ingredients and not...Subway. (This one's courtesy of Tom)

Some witty Sydneysider t-shirts I've seen on the Harbour Bridge:

"My other body is a temple. This one's a slut."

"Beer makes you smarter. It made Bud wiser."

[front]: I <3 Sydney
[back]: Your mother!

"Somebody who loves me went to Australia and got me this lousy t-shirt and it's too damn small!"--seen on a very fat child.



More to come.


Updated since Melbourne:

-of all the ironic Kenny Rogers shirts I've seen, none was more touching than the Obama-face Kenny Rogers shirt I saw on a very old Indian woman.
-Australians ask "how are you going?" instead of "how are you doing?" and I always stop and think about my directions, and they always stop and think it means "not good."
-calling fries "chips" does not change the fact that $5 for a small is just too much.
-Melbourne is the city of trams and it feels like I'm in Disney World all the time, which I like.
-if you call it "goon" and make a face after you drink it, for some reason, everyone will want you to pour them a cup.
-spending $40 for paella, even really good paella, sucks.
-Australians say "I reckon" like cowboys do in John Wayne movies.
-there's a "Princeton" and "East Brunswick" here which doesn't make me homesick but does make me worry that I'll run into someone I know until I remember I'm in Australia.

Updated since Cairns:

-just because someone says, "don't worry, you'll be fine" doesn't always mean it's true, with specific regard to diving.
-egregious Australian misspellings:
tyre vs. tire
learnt vs. learned
honour vs. honor
centre vs. center
aluminium vs. aluminum (fair, they are different words but still)
oreganno vs. oregano
-everyone is barefoot here, even the rich people.
-people in other countries love to hear about College.
-if you're from South Africa and don't tell me, I don't think it's fair to get offended if I can't tell you're not from Australia.
-you can tell a lot about a person by the way they load a dishwasher.
-there seems to be a dearth in the amount of public trash cans (called rubbish bins) and subsequently, too much garbage on the sidewalks.
-people walk left and pass right here, just like they drive.

Updated since Byron Bay:

-calling cotton candy "fairy floss" makes me want to buy all of it.
-carob-covered bananas might be the best thing I've ever eaten.
-every single Israeli does not know one another, but almost.

Thanksgiving And Other North American Things

Happy Thanksgiving to all and to all a good turkey.

I'm currently writing from Tom's cousin's condo in Neutral Bay, Sydney.

For the record, Tom Manewitz might just be the best travel buddy ever created, if for no other reason than he knows and is related to the most hospitable people ever born.*
I know I exaggerate sometimes, but this is not one of those times.
Tom's cousin, Justin and his wife Amanda, are two of the warmest, most generous people I've ever had the privilege to meet.
They're letting me stay with them until I find a job and apartment of my own and have treated us both like family, even though I'm not related to them, at all.

*Tom's also good at navigating in new cities and making sure I know/putting up with me even though I'm a bad driver, and also he doesn't snore too loudly, so the reasons that make him a good travel buddy are many. Really though.

As for life beyond superb lodgings, I had my first interview today.
It was for a fund raising position similar to what I did my "last semester" in Pittsburgh, except the hours for this job will be far more substantial than that one.
I'll find out if I get it tomorrow but I have a decent feeling they'll offer it to me.
I think I'd rather do something a little different than harassing passersby to try to get them to support my causes.
Especially since I'm also kind of vacation?

The apartment hunt is a bit held up due to the fact that I don't know what I'll be doing/where I'll be working but I am actively searching.

Otherwise, things are great.
It's been beautiful weather and everyone I've met has given me a compliment of one kind or another.
Apparently, I look exactly like Lauren Conrad from "The Hills" which isn't something I'm necessarily proud of, but she's pretty, and so, I agree.

Justin and Amanda took Tom and I to Justin's company Christmas party last night in Darling Harbour which was really fun and my first time in the Harbour.
I met a lot of nice people who gave me great travel suggestions and were very funny.
Australians have a fantastic wit about them and it makes me feel right at home.
They also call finger foods, such as cocktail weenies and crackers and dip, "nibblies."
Come on.

The time difference has been a bit of a struggle but I've been able to speak to some of you and I miss you all muchly.
Amanda, who's American, is having Thanksgiving tomorrow (Friday for us...we're in the future) so I'll be thinking of you while I dig in to our turkey and stuffing and sweet potato casserole.

I Went to Hawaii and Forgot to Take Pictures of People

I just uploaded all my pictures from Hawaii, of which there are 35.

There are no pictures of anyone besides my pale, pale legs and a shot of me from far away.

I can't believe it either.

Also for those wondering, Men at Work does indeed sound great when you're in the land down under.
I know because that's all I've listened to for 3 days.
That and the Chili Peppers for good measure.
And also in case any Australians peep my iPod.
Gotta keep that street cred high.

Today I wandered around the city and got lost about 6 times.
You know how I do.

I wandered in and out of the financial district a lot; not much to report.
I also went to Hay Market, the Queen Victoria Building and other places.
Honestly, I just kept walking.
I finally figured out how to get back to my hostel from other streets than Bathurst though, so I feel successful.
(Those who know me know I work on autopilot and have trouble understanding logical shortcuts. This applies to foreign travel as well as domestic)

Ok, time to head over to Tom's cousin's house.
So long, super fancy hostel.*
Hello, barefooted showers!

*I just realized I haven't discussed my hostel stay as of yet.
I'm staying at Base which is more like a hotel than a motel than a hostel, since they have housekeepers and real linens and complementary towels and shower gels and shampoos and vending machines and a bar attached.
But they call it a hostel so, so will I.

It's been nice but a little bit overwhelming.
I was originally on the 2nd floor and then they made a mistake and bumped me to the 4th floor which is called "the sanctuary" because it's all female.
It's got nicer sheets, so I'm not complaining.
My sanctified room had 3 Germans, 1 Yorkshire girl and another person who never spoke.

The Yorkshire girl, Emily, was cool and we got to talking about future living situations, so we'll see where that goes.
Otherwise, the hostel's been a nice place to rest my head for 2 nights.

Cheers from The Land of Oz

Q: Guess who's in Sydney?
A: Me!


We flew in this morning at 8am and the flight took all of 11 hours, which isn't as long as it could've been had we flown direct from the Newer Jersey. We decided to stay out and not sleep for the flight since we had to be at the airport by 6am, which was both a great and terrible idea. Great in the sense that Hawaii is an amazing place to be, and terrible in the sense that 6am is no fun regardless of blood alcohol content level, but I assure you it is less than no fun when your BAC is not 0.

But back to my stay in Hawaii.
I'd be remiss to say that it was just fun.
It was, in fact, nothing but awesome; it may sound cliche but holy shit does that US territory rule.
Tom's friends were so hospitable I couldn't believe it and everyone I met was either cool, an ultimate frisbee* player and/or both.
Needless to say, I did a lot of cheering from the sidelines of games I didn't quite follow.
I'm so good at watching other people play sports.
I also did a lot of hiking and biking and sitting on the most beautiful beaches I've ever been to.
I love Hawaii.

*Ultimate frisbee is a sport where people chase plastic discs across fields and afterwards they drink beers and have parties.
I like to watch the players chase discs but have no real concept of how the game works.

The flight to Sydney was fine, minus the fact that there were twins of maybe 5 years old wearing identical horizontal striped shirts who had no concept of an inside voice. So that could've been better.
But really, no complaints.
We got to Sydney and all is good.

For those interested, it's currently about 41 degrees Celcius which is more or less BALLS HOT in Farenheit...roughly 102 degrees to be exact. Obviously, I love my life but am also, obviously, a little chilly.

Tomorrow starts the work/housing assistance portion of this whole experiment and I'm looking forward to that.
Who knows, maybe they have a lot of old people who need someone to tell them terrible jokes and tell them they look 25 years old?
That is my specialty.

Ok, my ability to type in full sentences is gone.
More later.


Also:
Skype me! Youmissabby.

Miss and love and OJ's glove,

El Alfajore Grande.

"Pupu" Means Delicious

Well, well, well. Here we are in Honolulu.
I used the royal "we" just then because a man on the street just called me his queen.
Appropriate.

So far, I've seen beauty everywhere I've looked. Pretty good stats, no?
Went to Pipeline and stumbled upon a pro surf tourney sponsored by Reef, called the Triple Crown, but there were no horses or early bird diners.
I guess Hawaii does things differently than Queens.
Needless to say, I am now osmotically badass.
Watching professional surfers does that to you, you know.

I'm using my fancy new iPod to write this blog and so far, so good.
My only complaint is the way it auto corrects things.
Sometimes I don't want to capitalize skit. Shit. See what I mean?

Rest assured, I'm sunburnt in awkward places and I've eaten my fair share of what Hawaiian cuisine has to offer.
I tried poi last night, which was purple but did not taste like something purple.
It made my tongue itch. Apparently it does that.
I also ate some delicious shrimp from a truck on the side of the road.
My faith in street food has been restored.
Still don't trust that cart on the corner of 31st and 6th though.
No, indeed, Mr. Jaffar.

So, that's my news.
I leave for Sydney on Saturday AM and will update once I'm able.

Go Steelers, in general, and I miss and love you if you're reading this!

1 WEEEEEEEEEEEK til Blast Off

Please see above.

Funny Things My Grandpa Says/Does/Thinks

I'm making this list here so I can keep adding to it. It's probably not interesting to anyone reading this (not that anyone is reading this):


1. "I never buy green bananas. I never know if I'll be around to eat them when they ripen."


2. "I don't bet with money, I make mind bets, so I don't lose any money, I just slowly lose my mind."


3. Yiddish words and axioms:

-Kikum Oon which means, get a load of this guy!
-Drek treftzuch which means, shit happens.
-Azoy which means, so?
-Pisha which means, pisser.
-Mitten drinnen which means, meanwhile, down on the ranch...
-Schnorrer which means, you cheap bastard.
-Machoishek which means, you're busting my balls and I can tell.
-Gai cach affen yam which means, go take a shit in the ocean!
-Ongeblozzen which means, who died and made you holier than thou?
-Kish mich in tuches und gai in drerd arein which means, kiss my ass and go to hell!
-Vildeh choleria which means, beast of cholera! (usually said in regards to my dog)
-K'nacher which means, well aren't you a show-off? (usually said in regards to my dad when discussing coupons and other discounts)

4. Whenever he farts, he either says: "bombs away!" or "tight shoes."


5. He calls me his little sweet potato, and when I piss him off, he offers me a knuckle sangawich.


6. Instead of, "then what?" he always says, "what then?"


7. He hates the bum Mets but is their biggest fan.


8. When in doubt, baked potato


9. He's not old, he's just old-er.


10. He can throw a ball higher than anyone I've ever met/will ever meet.


11. He told me my skin would clear up just as soon as I start shaving.


12. Fred Flintstone has coined most of his expressions, including but not limited to, "yabba dabba dooooo!"


13. He doesn't play any instruments except the radio.


14. Any time you ask him what's new, he either says, "nothing, whatsoever" or "New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico and New York."


15. When looking for a lady friend, whom he will unfailingly call "cook," the following requirements apply:

-must drive at night
-must leave the toilet seat UP
-no snoring
-rich
-no flatulating in bed

16. His lucky number is 6.


17. He likes to ask, "who created God?" at inopportune times.


18. He taught me to eat the entire apple because "during the Depression, you knew to enjoy your apple cores." Waste not, want not.

19. Whenever he would fight with my grandma, his go-to response was always "who's the boss!?" And she would respond, "not you!"


20. Toity-tree instead of 33.


21. "And how!"


22. He doesn't buy new shoes for the same reason as green bananas.


23. For the past 4 months, whenever he asks about my travels he asks me, "Met any rich doctors? Not witch doctors, I said! RICH doctors!" And then he laughs so hard you'd think Richard Pryor said it.


24. He eats faster than any human on Earth.


25. He is the only other person who empathizes with and understands my digestive tract.

They're on a Need-to-Know Basis

In case you were wondering, yes, this is my favorite band. Ever. Observe:

www.speechwritersllc.com





Unrelatedly---12 days until blast off! EXCITED EXCITED EXCIIIIITED

Insults That Seem Like Compliments and Vice-Versa

"You're like Michael Jordan, when he played baseball. You make everyone around you look better."


"He would make a really great ex-husband."


"You look like you could be a Sears model."


"I like people like you; people like you make me feel smart."

Participating in YouTube Sensationalism

Check if you like me, Check if you don't

A Little Less Ebb, Please

"Okay, look, things ebb and flow, okay? Sometimes people are just more into it than other times. This is just how it is. But you can't stand the ebb. It feels like no ebb's allowed.

[...]

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put it all on you. I'm sorry. It's not you, okay? I mean, it has to be something about me if you can't trust me after all these weeks or stand even just a little normal ebb and flow without always thinking I'm getting ready to leave.

[...]

Don't think this is about something wrong with you. Don't do that to yourself. It's us, us is why I'm leaving, okay?"


David Foster Wallace, come back.

Kids Say the Darndest Things

stephanie: my brother is named after adam ----
did i ever tell you that?
i was 4
i was in pre-school
i was trying to impress him (adam)
stephanie: so i demanded that my parents name the baby-to-be adam
and didn't tell them why
and it grew on them
stephanie: and they finally gave in
and i went back to pre-school
and i was like, hiiiiiiii addaaaaaaammmmmmm
guess whaaattt
i have a baby brother
and his name is adam toooooooooo
stephanie: but adam ---- just rode away on his trike
but my brother's name is adam, forever
which i think is hilarious
obviously
but my brother does not think it's hilarious



And that is the story of why KidNation never took off.

Plastics

So.

I live at home.
Again.
With my parents.
Again.
In a twin-sized bed.
Again.

Soo.

Sooo...

I'm going to Australia.

Peace out, life of stability and financial security.
So long, predictable schedule and sleeping patterns.
Fare thee well, ability to capriciously buy things on eBay.
Actually that one stays.

Here. Watch this:



[This is the perfect depiction of every conversation I've ever had about my "future."]

2 Things:

1. Pretention brings out my eyes.

I know this because Generic Dude-Brah #1 in a Bro-fit told me this weekend. After I said no to joining him in a Nickelback sing-along, he called me a pretentious bitch.

Then I met equally Generic Dude-Brah #2 who told me my eyes were pretty.

Therefore, pretention brings out my eyes.

Pretention is now my favorite color.

2. I am obsessed with Regina Spektor's new album, "Far."

Update: I am pretentious.

Waffles, Instead and Other Insights into My Brain

I decided to try to organize my iTunes library today.
I was unsuccessful.
I did learn something, though.
I learned that no matter how hard I try to find "Rocky Raccoon" in my Beatles folder, I never will.
That's because it's not in my Beatles folder.
It's in a folder called "waffles, instead."


Ok. Time to go slaughter some more fruit flies.

That's Almost 330 Years Ago, Coming Right Up!

Have you ever wondered what you would look like if you were a different ethnicity? Like if parts of your personality dictate aspects of your physical appearance, across nationalities and ethnic backgrounds? Me neither. That's ridiculous. And debatably racist.

Michael Vick, I Still Think You're A Douche.

Please see above.

My Opinion Matters Only Marginally More than Yours

http://doihaveswineflu.org/


I'm still not sure why I have a blog.