I'm making this list here so I can keep adding to it. It's probably not interesting to anyone reading this (not that anyone is reading this):
1. "I never buy green bananas. I never know if I'll be around to eat them when they ripen."
2. "I don't bet with money, I make mind bets, so I don't lose any money, I just slowly lose my mind."
3. Yiddish words and axioms:
-Kikum Oon which means, get a load of this guy!
-Drek treftzuch which means, shit happens.
-Azoy which means, so?
-Pisha which means, pisser.
-Mitten drinnen which means, meanwhile, down on the ranch...
-Schnorrer which means, you cheap bastard.
-Machoishek which means, you're busting my balls and I can tell.
-Gai cach affen yam which means, go take a shit in the ocean!
-Ongeblozzen which means, who died and made you holier than thou?
-Kish mich in tuches und gai in drerd arein which means, kiss my ass and go to hell!
-Vildeh choleria which means, beast of cholera! (usually said in regards to my dog)
-K'nacher which means, well aren't you a show-off? (usually said in regards to my dad when discussing coupons and other discounts)
4. Whenever he farts, he either says: "bombs away!" or "tight shoes."
5. He calls me his little sweet potato, and when I piss him off, he offers me a knuckle sangawich.
6. Instead of, "then what?" he always says, "what then?"
7. He hates the bum Mets but is their biggest fan.
8. When in doubt, baked potato
9. He's not old, he's just old-er.
10. He can throw a ball higher than anyone I've ever met/will ever meet.
11. He told me my skin would clear up just as soon as I start shaving.
12. Fred Flintstone has coined most of his expressions, including but not limited to, "yabba dabba dooooo!"
13. He doesn't play any instruments except the radio.
14. Any time you ask him what's new, he either says, "nothing, whatsoever" or "New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico and New York."
15. When looking for a lady friend, whom he will unfailingly call "cook," the following requirements apply:
-must drive at night
-must leave the toilet seat UP
-no snoring
-rich
-no flatulating in bed
16. His lucky number is 6.
17. He likes to ask, "who created God?" at inopportune times.
18. He taught me to eat the entire apple because "during the Depression, you knew to enjoy your apple cores." Waste not, want not.
19. Whenever he would fight with my grandma, his go-to response was always "who's the boss!?" And she would respond, "not you!"
20. Toity-tree instead of 33.
21. "And how!"
22. He doesn't buy new shoes for the same reason as green bananas.
23. For the past 4 months, whenever he asks about my travels he asks me, "Met any rich doctors? Not witch doctors, I said! RICH doctors!" And then he laughs so hard you'd think Richard Pryor said it.
24. He eats faster than any human on Earth.
25. He is the only other person who empathizes with and understands my digestive tract.
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